Ugly Duckling: Beautiful Swan Part 1

When I was 6 or 7 years old, I remember a lot of adults saying to my parents that I was "Getting so big," and "Isn’t she a big girl now?" and "How did she get so big?" 

Looking back at photos, I was not overweight when I was 7. But I was tall. I am tall. 6 feet tall now – to be exact. Yet all I remember being called was: big. I don’t remember being called beautiful. I don’t remember being called tall. I don’t remember being called fat. Just "big" and "getting bigger" and "so big!"

When you’re 7, you don’t really know how to interpret the word "big." Some people say it like it’s a good thing, and some people say it like it’s a rude shock or like there’s something wrong with being big. I also didn’t know that they might simply be talking about my height. As far as I could tell: they were talking about the whole of me. I’m a big girl. Eventually, I saw it as a negative and I succumbed to this idea that being me, meant being big.

By the time I got to 8 or 9, I was not only tall, but also chubby / fat / overweight – whatever you want to call it. I was also very bad at sport – couldn’t catch, couldn’t throw, couldn’t ride a bike. I found sport absolutely humiliating: like everyone was watching this "big" girl who sticks out like a sore thumb: all clumsy and awkward. Not to mention that I was left-handed being taught how to do right-handed sport or being told to put my right foot first when my body wants to move left! And I remember some of the ridiculous tunnels my school teachers wanted us to squirm through – not catering for my height! So, naturally I despised sport.

We were forced to run at athletics and cross country carnivals and I remember thinking that my lungs hurt terribly. But teachers had no empathy for me because as far as they were concerned I was fat and lazy. I think one of them called me lazy to my face. It’s interesting how when you are called something, like "big" or "fat" or "lazy" – you start believing it and living it out … They never listened to me about my lungs, so I stopped talking about it at a young age, and I decided that I could not run because it hurt too much.

As a 22 year old, I began to lose weight through walking and swimming. I did it on my own without the help of gym instructors who want to push you at some crazy pace that would have had me quit on the first day. I did it because I simply didn’t want to be big anymore. Big to me at 22 meant: ugly. I was 6 foot tall and size 18 (Australian). Now I am 6 foot and I fluctuate between sizes 12-14. I’m still a big girl, but I don’t feel ugly.

Between ages 22 and 29, there have been a few times that I have tried to push myself to run (when I say run, I really mean jog – it’s all the same thing to me. Anything faster than a quick walk has always caused problems in my breathing). But I could never be consistent about it because the pain in my lungs – if I pushed myself too hard – just seemed unbearable. I literally felt like my lungs were bleeding on many occasions and I knew something wasn’t right about that, but I never sought a doctor. I figured walking and swimming would just have to do.

At 29 I decided again that I wanted to learn how to run. I couldn’t understand why it was so easy for other people and so very difficult for me. One evening, I came home from work in frustrated mood and I decided that my anger should be fuel enough for me to run the distance of my crescent which I’m guessing is approx. 1kilometre. I pushed myself, and when I arrived home I was gasping for air – not just gasping, but wheezing and basically hyperventilating. I lay down and continued in the state of fearing that I might never take another normal breath again for about thirty minutes. And I knew then that I was having an asthma attack. I went to the doctors the next day and was told I had mild asthma and would need to use ventolin if I wanted to learn how to run.

That was more than six months ago and truth be told, I didn’t try to run for quite a while after that because the asthma attack really worried me. This year I tried a new approach. I decided I would ease myself into running the way I had eased myself into swimming and would not let some macho gym instructors (thinking of programmes like the "Biggest Loser") force me to do things at their "No pain no gain" psycho-pace! It’s true: no pain no gain, but if you throw a non-swimmer into the deep end: they’re likely to drown!

I started jogging on the spot in my lounge-room in front of a mirror with music playing. I would look myself in the eyes, sing positive music to myself and jog through a few songs. That was easy. I had no problems breathing on level ground. The good thing is this strengthened my leg muscles even if it did nothing for my lungs.

Since then I’ve taken my jogging outside on three occasions. The first time I forgot to take ventolin beforehand and was desperate for it when I got home. I almost ran my entire crescent on that trip. The next time, I took the ventolin beforehand and I ran the entire crescent without stopping. And let me tell you: I cried for joy.

Today, I packed a small bag with ventolin, a drink bottle of water, my iPhone and headset so that I could listen to music instead of having to listen to my breathing. Amazingly, with the help of that music and the ventolin, I ran / jogged what I am estimating to be about 3 kilometres!!!

Don’t let being branded "big" or "fat" or "ugly" or "lazy" or "clumsy" stand in your way.
Don’t let being super-tall or left-handed or asthmatic stand in your way.
Don’t let the world stand in the way of becoming who you are.
Every "ugly duckling" has a "beautiful swan" inside of them.
Including me.

My Beliefs as a Christocentric Universalist

Q & A

Topic: Heaven

Do you believe that all roads/religions lead to heaven? No.

Do you believe Jesus is the only way to relationship with Daddy-God and to Heaven? Yes (John 14:6)

Do you believe Jesus will get everyone in to Heaven? YES

(John 12:32, Rom 5:18, 2 Cor 5:19, Col 1:19-20, Isa 45:23, Phil 2:10)

Topic: Hell

Do you still believe in Hell? Yes.

Do you believe that Hell is separation from God? No

(Psalm 139:8, 2 Thes 1:9 KJV).

What is Hell?

Our God is a consuming fire (Deut 4:24, Heb 12:29).

God is love (1 John 4:16).

His love is a passionate fire (Song of Songs 8:6-8).

Fire purifies and cleanses (Zeph 3:8-9, Isa 6:6-7).

Hell is the refiner’s fire (Mal 3:2).

Why do people go to Hell? Disbelief only

(John 3:16-18, John 6:29, Eph 2:6-8, Heb11:6).

Can people repent after death? Yes

(John 5:25, 1 Peter 3:19-4:6, Rev 21:24-26; 22:14, Ezekiel 16:53).

Topic: Jesus’ Death

Why did Jesus have to die?

To save us from DEATH and resurrect us to LIFE

(Gen 2:17, Rom 6:23, 2 Cor 5:14-19).

Did Jesus die to save us from sin? YES

(John 1:19, Rom 6:6, 2 Cor 5:21).

Did Jesus die to save us from Hell? No (there are no verses that speak of the cross in conjunction with hell).

Who did Jesus save? The whole world / ALL

(John 1:19, 3:16-17, 4:42, 6:39-40, 12:32, 12:47, Rom 3:23-24, 5:18-19, 11:25-32, 2 Cor 5:19, Col 1:19-20).

Topic: Judgement & Salvation

Is there a futuristic judgement of the world?

Both judgement and salvation happened spiritually before the foundation of the world (Eph 1:4, Rev 13:8).

They happened in time at the cross (John 12:31-32, 16:8-10). 

They are happening and will happen in the future until all believe (Heb 10:30, 2 Peter 3:7-9).

Do you still believe in the Trinity? Yes.

Do you still believe in Satan? Yes.

Do you still believe in Jesus? Absolutely 100%

Hence my use of the word Christocentric: Jesus at the centre.

It’s all about Jesus.

Jesus is saviour of the world.

Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.

Jesus is all in all. Amen.

There is Nothing Wrong with You

Put your hand up if you've ever felt like or been told there's something wrong with you:
You're ugly
You're fat
Your nose is weird
You talk too much
You sing too much
You're naughty
You're a liar
You hurt me
You think you're so good
You're hopeless
You're an idiot
You failed

You have no brains
You're a snob
You're so negative
You can't do it

We've probably all experienced it
And we've probably all believed it
That doesn't make it true

God chose us in him before the creation of the world (before we believed there was something wrong with us) to be holy and blameless in his sight (nothing wrong at all). Ephesians 1:4

There is nothing wrong with you!

Feeling Devastated

I want to say something meaningful about the feeling of devastation that I have experienced today. As I look back over my life thus far, I see so many highs and so many lows.

One minute you consider yourself in poverty. 
The next minute you receive an inheritance.
One minute you write your first real novel. 
The next minute your computer deletes all your files.
One minute you have two parents. 
Then one day you have none.
One minute you're falling in love. 
The next minute your heart is breaking.
One minute you're healthy. 
Before you know it your body starts to deteriorate and you discover you were never invincible after all.

I want to give people permission to feel alive. Be up and be down. Own it. Say you're happy with the biggest smile on your face! Say you're depressed and you need time to process the latest grief that has altered your life. I'm saying that I'm the latter.

Own yourself. Stop pretending that life is always good or always bad. Admit that it is full of a range of experiences, emotions and perspectives.

If you have something you'd like to admit, right here and now... I'm listening. That's about the best I can do...

The Contrast Argument

This is my take on the "contrast" argument.

Some people say that light only exists in contrast to darkness; hate only exists in contrast to love; cold only exists in contrast to heat. This sounds somewhat rational, but in my understanding this argument is fundamentally flawed. There is a point at which my eyesight will be blinded by too much light. My eyes know what that point is, and that point has little or nothing to do with whether darkness exists. My body will also freeze to death at a certain point, and again this has little or nothing to do with whether or not heat exists, my body knows what it can handle and what it cannot and the threshold is not in my mind and whether I think cold is real: it's in the limitations of my body - is it not?

In the same way to argue that good cannot exist without evil or that love cannot exist without hate, only proves that we have never gotten to the core of goodness or love at all, just like I've never frozen to death!

I truly believe that love is immutable. It exists without need of contrast, an unchanging, ever-fixed mark.
If we only knew love (and I'm arguing that we fundamentally don't) then hate would die off just like, when a person freezes to death the heat in their body dies!

By faith, I believe that God is love - even though I've barely scratched the surface of experiencing that love. And I believe that whoever the devil is, he has blinded our collective eyes to that love, and he is right now trying to trick us into believing that everything in life boils down to perception and nothing truly "exists" at all. He is crafty and I would caution those who want to believe he doesn't exist, to beware. He will try to rob your mind of love, hope, good, life etc.... But he can only alter your perception and not your reality, because your existence is IN Christ - which is to be IN true and real love.